TORN.....

I was just reading my dear friend, Nicole's blog and it gave me the courage to be a bit more personal....I love that girl to pieces. We have been friends since I was 11 and my heart and prayers go out to her and her family. She is such an inspiration! I am never too personal on the blog...not sure why, but I am just not, but today I am going to be. I feel so torn in my life. I HAVE to work. Student loans don't magically pay themselves. I wish with all my heart that I could stay home with my little ones. I feel torn between my God-given role as a woman and the role society places on the woman....or should I say the multiple roles that society places on women. It just isn't fair! I just want to raise my kids and be there for all the important things. I know I shouldn't complain too much because I am able to take Niyah to work with me and I took Keiya to work with me until she was in preschool, but I just want to be a stay at home mom. I have been blessed to have so many breaks being a teacher and have a boss that is also one of my dearest friends. She allows me to leave early to be able to pick Keiya up from school so she doesn't have to go in after school care. There are a lot of blessings if I do HAVE to work, but still it isn't what I want. I feel torn because next year I am going to be Vice Principal of a new school that our school owner is building. It is exciting to be able to advance in my career, but unfortunately I would rather advance in my mom career. Our school owner frustrates me to no end. He doesn't value the people who work and sacrifice for his organization. He lets con artists come in and take advantage of him all because they promise him more money. Seriously, he is an example of letting greed get the best of you. The bottom line of the schools is numbers because numbers equal money. Sometimes I get frustrated being a part of an organization that will spend thousands of dollars on marketing and no money on books for the classrooms. There are times when I think that I have made a difference in some students' lives, but at the same time, I think, "At what cost?". With a new school being built, I feel like there are so many empty promises being made and that the new building is nothing but a facade for exploiting kids for the sake of money. At times, I get so angry to be a part of it, but I need a job and I have such flexibility. I am also gaining so much experience and learning so many valuable life lessons, but it is so frustrating. I wish I had money to start my own charter school. I have learned so many things to do and not to do from my experiences. I would love to do that! Who wouldn't want to be their own boss? Life is never what we expect! I just keep trying to see the positive in my situation and truck forward, but it doesn't change that I feel TORN!!!